I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Drake has all the answers
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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