for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
