Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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