I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
