I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
