I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
