i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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