Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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