Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
