he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
