dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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