i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
