At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Randomize
