if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
