Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
