I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
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