Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
