How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
