I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
