Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
