I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
