my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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