Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
