I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
