I'm jealous of your bromance
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Randomize
