I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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