question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
