i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
You did what with his pubic hair?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
