I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
