I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
