Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
