Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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