I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
