The maid of honor just puked.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
