i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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