He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
