I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
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