he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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