why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
All I want is dick and wine.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
