R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
