hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
