Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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