I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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