I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
