My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
this hospital has no fireball
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
