Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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