Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
