The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
