Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
