whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
