My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
